I know my flaws, and i’ve diagnosed my own problems… I don’t need anyone to tell me about myself because I already know, but it sometimes take some reassurance. Talking to other people can sometimes be that reassurance I need, because I usually learn something about myself in every conversation I have. I’m battling myself trying to fix this problem I have, and it wasn’t until yesterday I looked at it as a serious problem. I hate to be any kind of “victim”, I hate to make anything about myself, and i hate to feel weak in a sense that I might need help. I feel like i’m not one with a real problem because I know there are other people in the world with way bigger problems than mine, and that also go through things I can only imagine. I think for once, I need to think about myself; I need to be selfish, and I need to put myself first, and it’s okay.

I never asked myself why I am the way that I am, because I felt like I already knew. We all go through things, so nothing about what I have been through makes me any different and i’ve always thought this way, so my thoughts kind of over shadow my problems. I like to think of myself as happy person, a grateful person, someone who does things in positive ways, and has a good life and is doing good things. But I had to ask myself, “Am I really happy?”. & Now i’m asking myself, “What is it going to take for me to truly be happy?”

I need to talk more, but I need someone to talk to, and as easy as it is to open your mouth and spit out words, it’s hard to say what you really want to say. Its hard for me to say the things that I think, and its especially hard to say those things to someone i’m not comfortable with. I have people in my life, I have people that love me and care about me deeply and i’m happy that I do, i’m grateful for every person in my life, but why do I still always feel alone? 

My Diary

Chuck

After a conversation with chuck (and he could talk!) i had to cut him off and ask him if i could take a picture of him. He replied, “WHY ME!?”.

I said, “You look interested.” He said, “I am interesting! I’m old, I been through a lot, and seen a lot of things!”. I replied to him, “You are interesting! I can tell…”

So he walked over to his truck and posed as i went to my car and got my camera ready, and after I picked up my camera one of his cats came and sat right next to him…

I’m an artist and i think of myself as one, but as an artist you must be able to express yourself and all my life it’s been difficult for me to do that. I didn’t talk about my feelings as a child & i lived in a household where we didn’t really talk about how we felt with one another. I turned to writing a lot, mostly poems, drawing, listening to music, and on the computer. I was usually on punishment for most of my childhood, so really that’s all I could do. I was on punishment so much my mom would let me watch TV. But doing all those things were my only outlets and were my ways of expressing myself, it soon turned to taking pictures & me always having a camera. My first one was a pink and purple polaroid camera, I loved that thing, It looked like a toy, but it was a real camera and I was always taking pictures with it. I took all of my moms polaroid packs, smh. I ended up losing it, i’ve had about 10 cameras after that and 5 of them are still alive from what I know. So taking pictures ended up becoming one of my ways of expressing myself, wether i’m behind the camera, or in front of the camera, because I style myself whenever I’m going to do a photoshoot. And doing so became my next way of expressing myself through my clothes and how I dress. I never cared what i wore, I used to go to school wearing looking like a nerd one day, and 80s baby another day & it wasn’t homecoming week, i knew i was going to get talked about, but i didn’t care. People always stared at me though. I still continue to express my self every in everyone of these ways and I that is what makes me an artist. 

Since i’ve been this way I’m now learning to be more expressive with words. It’s how I grow; learning to be more open and willing to talk about how i feel. When I learn to talk more I learn more about myself. Because in many conversations i tend to learn something about myself i didn’t know before. When i’m making a piece of art, it takes me to talk about it and having to open up myself to think about what it is made and why. Being able to do that is very important to me, and I can’t fully open up about my art because of my inability to express myself in words. I’ve came along way from how I used to be, I can say i’m at a place where i’m becoming more willing to open up, let people know who i am through me, but i’m still learning, still growing, and becoming the person i’m supposed to be.

“Art is a way of expression”

-Me

I look at you every time I go by.
You stand there alone completely alone, isolated -
But your still strong, you still grow, and your still standing.
You remind me of someone I know…

Photo from a recent shoot I did with “Big D”. Taken in Suffolk, VA…

Photo from a recent shoot I did with “Big D”. Taken in Suffolk, VA…

The way we feel is unexplainable. The way I feel is unexplainable.
It’s interesting how we feel things.
When I feel hurt, I feel it in my chest. On the right side, right below the bone in my breast. & it doesn’t feel good.
When I feel happy, I feel it everywhere; all over my body. I feel as if I’m high when I’m really happy, like no one can stop me. It’s the best feeling; all I want to do is laugh.
When I feel love, I feel it in my chest.
On the left side right below the bone in my breast. Right next to my heart. & it feels great. It usually brings chills. It shocks me from my brain to my toes and it bounces back up like the waves of the ocean. & I watch the hairs on my right arm strike up and goosebumps appear on the base of every hair follicle. My head feels funny like an electrical emotion. Then my stomach feels funny like a good feeling of anxiety. It’s like I feel impulse to do something positive. It’s a real feeling. More like an energy.

A little bit of ME in front of the camera. A photoshoot taken by Brandon “B. Hold” Holden styled but me. Check out more photos from this shoot under the JL tab or click here

A little bit of ME in front of the camera